A Thought for the Week with Rabbi Jay Kelman
Parshat Vayeishev - Sibling Rivalry

The Talmud records that one who has no dreams for a period of seven days is called a wicked person. Dreams represent our innermost thoughts, our concerns of the present, and our aspirations for the future. One must never cease to dream of the wonderful possibilities that may await us, constantly looking heavenward as we try to improve the status quo.

The story of Yosef teaches us that some dreams are best not revealed, lest others misinterpret our intentions. Yet it was not the dreams that caused the brothers to hate Joseph; they may have added fuel to the fire, but the flames of hatred were already in place. "When his brothers realized that their father loved him more than all the rest, they began to hate him. They could not say a peaceful word to him" (37:4). Only in the next verse are we told that Yosef dreamt a dream and told it to his brothers. It was the favouritism displayed by Yaakov that led not only to hatred, but eventually to our exile to Egypt . Look what trouble a little coloured coat can cause!

The idea that parents must treat children equally is so ingrained and obvious that one wonders how Yaakov could have made such a simple (near fatal) error. The Torah tells us " Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, since he was a child of his old age" (37:3). We can clearly understand why Yaakov had special feelings towards Yosef. After all, he was the firstborn of his beloved wife Rachel, who passed away tragically young. As our commentaries point out, Yosef spent a good deal of time with his father, caring for him and tending to his needs. Yaakov's mistake was not in loving Yosef more than his other children, but rather in manifesting this favouritism in concrete ways. It was only "when the brothers saw that their father loved him more" (37:4) that the problems began.

"And Isaac loved Esau for he was also a hunter with his mouth, but Rebecca loved Jacob" (25:28). Yaakov Avinu grew up in a home where favouritism was the norm. While probably cognizant of the negative results of such favouritism, Jacob subconsciously adopted such an approach when he had his own children.

This psychological phenomenon of adopting our parents' patterns when we become parents ourselves can help explain the apparent naiveté of Yaakov in sending Yosef to meet his brothers in Shechem . How could he do such a thing, knowing the feelings the brothers harboured towards Yosef? After all, Yaakov himself ran away from home so that Eisav could not kill him; he even ran away from Lavan, who felt completely justified in fooling him at every opportunity. Why send Yosef into such a dangerous situation?

With all of the hatred, some of it perhaps even justifiable, that Eisav felt towards Yaakov, there is absolutely no indication in the Chumash that Eisav ever tried to hurt him. Even at the height of his anger, when Yaakov had stolen his birthright and Eisav declared "the days of mourning for my father are near, then I will slay my brother Jacob" (27:41), he never attempted to carry out the threat. Instead, upon first seeing his brother Eisav kissed Yaakov, and at the death of Isaac he joined Yaakov in burying him.

It was inconceivable to Yaakov that the brothers would dare to hurt Yosef, despite their hatred and jealousy. Clearly Joseph's actions of repeating a couple of dreams should evoke much less anger than Yaakov's theft of the birthright.

It took Yaakov and Eisav more than twenty years to reconcile. Jacob did not want his own sons to have twenty-years-plus of animosity, so he sent Yosef to his brothers while staying out of the fray himself, fully expecting them to resolve their differences. He tragically miscalculated the depths of the brothers' hatred, and unfortunately, it would take over twenty years for his sons to reconcile.